


Thirst Trap

by HoneydeWinter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Buff!Harry, Confident Harry, Draco Malfoy Speaks French, Epistolary, Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoneydeWinter/pseuds/HoneydeWinter
Summary: I was correct about the debauchery, by the by. Absolutely shocking. Très risqué. I know your hair is consistently ridiculous, but how does it always manage to look like you’ve just been thoroughly shagged? Also, what is a thirst trap? -DLM
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 89





	Thirst Trap

To our most Sainted and Speccy Saviour, 

You are no doubt wondering why you are the one chosen to receive this piece of electronic mail. It is only natural to wonder; we haven’t spoken in years, and I am blessed with the widest and most dazzling circle of acquaintances the wizarding world has ever seen. However, you are the only person with whom I am acquainted who could reasonably possess an electronic mailbox.

Were you aware that Muggles have public libraries? Anyone can march in off the street and peruse the literature to their heart’s content. Obviously not everyone can possess a collection as impressive as the one at the Manor, but this may very well be the next best thing. My son Scorpius insists that the books in our library do not have enough pictures, so he has now thrice dragged me to the Muggle library near our home. After far too many hours of listening to a woman in a sparkly hat read agonizing fairy tales to squirming children (why are they agonizing, you ask? There’s no _Babbity Rabbity_ , and no one’s feet are chopped off in her version of _Cendrillon_ ), I set myself the task of learning how to use a computer. Hence my reason for initiating this correspondence.

I do not anticipate your reply. It would be far too much to expect our flawless Saviour to keep up with his correspondence. Even though he is still just a speccy git.

Smugly,

Draco Lucius Malfoy

Malfoy the Ferret, 

Look, I replied. Even speccy gits can do that, you tosser. And it’s e-mail, not electronic mail. Everyone’ll think you’re a pretentious prat if you go around calling it that. They wouldn’t be far off, but still.

Yes, I knew that Muggles have libraries. I didn’t go very often as a kid, but I always liked how quiet they were. And the librarians always shushed my cousin. That’s why we stopped going, but still.

I didn’t know you’d become a dad. Congratulations to you and your wife. How old is your son? Also, do you know what dad jokes are? Here’s one for you: why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb. Tell Scorpius, I bet he’d like it. (He can explain if you’re too thick to get it.)

Harry Potter

P.S. What is Cendrillon?

Saint Potter,

It’s Malfoy the Dragon, _s’il vous plaît._ Your congratulations are very kind. I would tell my wife, but we separated quietly a few years ago. Once Astoria and I had produced an heir, there was no love lost between us and we went our separate ways. However, she is still an excellent mother to Scorpius, who is five years old.

Incidentally, he adored your joke. It reduced him to uninhibited giggles for a full four minutes. I shouldn’t be surprised that he found your childish sense of humor utterly appealing.

 _Cendrillon_ is also called _Cinderella_. You’ve heard of that one, right? Unfortunately, most retellings leave out the bloodthirsty bits, which are always the best parts in fairy tales. I’d recommend reading the real version some time.

DLM

Malfoy the Dragon Ferret,

Your son sounds great. I bet we’d get along well. And I suppose I could’ve just Googled what Cendrillon was, but I wanted to bait you into replying. Giving you the chance to insult me never fails.

With all the time you’re spending at the library, what else have you learned how to do on the computer? There’s lots of recipes, the Muggle news, social media, etc. 

Have you tried Instagram yet? I have one. I’ve been going to the gym a lot, it’s helped me process a lot of things. People seem to like the pictures from my workouts. Anyway, my account handle is @hpotter, if you want to check it out. I’ve definitely changed since school, I’m sure you have too.

Here’s another joke for you, since your son liked the last one so much. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

Harry

Debauched and Degenerate Potter,

Potter, the site to which you referred me is blocked on the library’s computers. BLOCKED. What kind of lurid filth are you trying to send me? Is it the same place where you’re getting all the awful jokes? If even the Muggles are wise enough to block it, it must be truly depraved. Please advise.

DLM

Malfoy,

The library computers won’t access Instagram? It’s not depraved, but that’s probably for the best. I’ll attach a photo from the account I mentioned, but you really should get your own Internet access. Maybe a mobile phone. You could take your own pictures, or even call me sometime. No magic or library access required.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

Harry

_Attachment: thirst_trap3.jpeg_

(Photo description: Harry is doing bicep curls in front of a mirror at the gym and staring at the mirror with smoldering eyes. His arms are about as big around as Draco’s head, and his shoulder-to-waist ratio is insane. Everything not encased in tight leggings is bronzed and buff and gleaming. Draco moans a bit just looking at it.)

Saviour who May Occasionally Produce a Good Idea,

I was correct about the debauchery, by the by. Absolutely shocking. _Très risqu_ _é_ _._ I know your hair is consistently ridiculous, but how does it always manage to look like you’ve just been thoroughly shagged? Also, what is a thirst trap?

Scorpius grows jaded with the library’s book selection, so a mobile may very well be a good idea. If one so desired, where would one obtain such an item? 

DLM

Malfoy,

Debauchery? Where? That picture was perfectly appropriate; they ban you if they’re not. Seamus learned that the hard way after he tried doing “thirsty Thursdays” one too many times. He accidentally posted a video of himself showering and Dean had kittens.

I could take you shopping for a mobile if you like. What if you bought the wrong kind? I think you need a guide. We could eat at mine after. I’m not much of a cook, but there’s a great Indian takeaway nearby.

Scorp is of course invited; I’m curious to see what he’s like, and what you're like as a dad. I’ll meet you in the park across from Grimmauld Place at four o’clock Saturday, all right?

Harry

P.S. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

Potter,

Thank you for dinner last night. I would like to apologize for my son’s behavior. I recently explained to Scorpius that I enjoy the company of both men and women in an intimate way, but I had thought he would be more circumspect than to blurt it out in front of you. He and I shall have to have a talk about discretion. Although with you telling him about the time Teddy perfectly replicated a pig’s face, I am sure we will have many other topics to discuss as well.

Thank you as well for procuring and setting up my mobile. I already have so many more pictures of Scorpius than I would have otherwise. They don’t move, but they are precious to me all the same.

Would you perhaps like to join me at the Manor for dinner on Wednesday? Scorpius shall be with his mother, but I do owe you a meal. A Malfoy always pays his debts.

DLM

Draco,

I had a great time this weekend. Couldn’t believe how fast the time went, though. Scorp is lovely, and the smile on your face when you talk to him breaks my heart with happiness.

Please don’t worry about Scorp’s behavior. You must’ve read by now that I like both blokes and birds myself; the _Prophet_ won’t stop babbling about it, even though it’s got to be old news by now. Arseholes. But Scorp was charming. Can’t imagine where he gets it from.

Joking, Draco. Unfurrow your brow before I have to come fix it for you. You’re much more handsome when you smile.

Thanks for the invitation, dinner sounds great. I’m very much looking forward to it.

Harry

P.S. This joke isn’t for Scorpius, just for you: your bed looks lonely. Can I Slytherin?

P.P.S. This joke is the only one so far that requires a response. And isn’t a joke. You do seem lonely. And I rather fancy you, I have for years. Please write back quickly.

Stupid Potter,

Yes, very funny. Taking advantage of what my five-year-old said to get one over on me? I hate when people say things they don’t mean. Fuck you.

DLM

P.S. Stop calling me Draco. 

Draco,

I was hoping you would. Fuck me, I mean. And hopefully not just the one time, either.

I meant every word. I really have fancied you for years, even if it took me ages to realize it. You’re still as sharp as you always were, but now you’re trying to make me laugh and caring about what I think. You’ve raised your son beautifully; he’s lovely, and you are so tender with him. And your legs are fantastic. Won’t you give me a chance?

Yours, Harry

Harry,

I make no promises. But if you must know, I rather fancy you too. See you tonight.

Draco

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could draw, but I hope the photo description is sufficient. Thank you for reading!


End file.
